Selena: Hey this is Selena and I'm here with my writing buddy Celia
Kyle. Say hi Ce!

Ce: This would work better on google talk. ;D Hey everybody! Know what time it is? Porn Rules! time. Oh, wait. We're not talking about why it rocks are we... We're discussing rules for porn. So, it should be: Porn Rules. Period. No exclamation point.

Se: LOL. Yeah, so it should be Porn Rules or how about Rules for
Porn? Too Boring?

Ce: I still like Porn Rules! We'll just have to put up a little disclaimer telling people what we're actually talking about. :D Ok, how about rules.

1. Do not look into the camera while f*cking. If we wanted to see a pretty face, we'd look in the mirror. We are not here for facial expressions people!

Se: I totally agree. I also feel it's a bit vain ya know. Looking at
the camera as if to say I'm hot and look what I got going on. Not hot at all.

2. Talking during sex is a good thing. I mean if I wanted to hear just grunts and groans I'd watch tennis. *Se suddenly develops a very interesting take on tennis, she shakes her head* I don't want to hear just "Oh, yeah"." or "I'm coming." Come on!

I want to hear the bad words, make it dirty! What do you think Ce?


Ce: Heck yeah! Talk dirty to me dammit! Do you need someone to write that part of the script for you too? Fine. Here it goes:

He slides his cock into you and you say: That's it give me that big cock. Stuff me full of it baby.

Just as a side note: Don't ever call a guy's cock fat. That just brings cellulite infested cock images to mind and that's just...gross. Ew!

Se: Ack! The images, the mental images. *Selena can't stop seeing fat cocks dancing around* Make it stop! Make it stop! Ce, you propose the next rule, I gotta go get out the mind bleach.

Ce: Hmm... the next rule. How about the ladies at least pretending that they enjoy it. I'm not talking about just adding a few words here and there, but I dunno. Looking as if they are having fun. Possibly even busting out with a moan and groan that DOESN'T seem rehearsed.

Se: I totally agree. Come on girls, you're supposed to enjoy it not look like you'd rather be shopping! Next rule

4: Fashion is a must. Not trashy and flashy please.

Ce: Ugh! If I have to see one more leopard print anything in a porn flick... I'm gonna puke! I swear! I KNOW that leopard is not the only thing out there ladies. I own lingerie too.

Se: I know! I don't want it to turn into Velcro city but give something that will make the guy work for it.

Ce: Oh! I have another one. For the love of all that is holy... stop with the semen facials. Please. I do not find that hot and I have no idea how a guy could. It's just gross. And messy. And is that really sanitary?

Se: I mean semen is supposed to healthy but not for the skin! Another thing that goes back to fashion: shoes, what's up with all the clear heels?

Anyway, setting. Setting should at least be somewhat appealing. A barn in the middle of no where, not sexy if you just met the person.

Ce: Hey! The clear heels are kinda cute when there are little things floating around in them. You know the ones that are filled with blue liquid and have a cute little rubber ducky inside...

Se: LOL. Rubber ducky in the heels?

Ce: Well, in the front platform part at least. kinda cute.

Se: Okay, I'll give you that, we'll get you some clear heels for RT. How's that?

Ce: Yay! Then I'll be trashy and tall!

Se: And I'll wear my cute 4 1/2 inch heel sandals with ya.

Ce: And just because you doubted me... Ka Blam: http://www.snaz75.com/el-601-duckie.html
I can even get some with goldfishies

Se: Cute!

Ce: I know, right? We've drifted from our topic.

Se: Yup we did. Settings, they need to be more I don't know creative?

Ce: Yes. Out with the crappy hotel room look and in with the I dunno... high priced hotel room. LOL Museums. They should fuck in museums. Cultural Porn.

Se: LOL. Okay how about anything that doesn't look like it's from the Disco era?

Ce: Yeah, that would be helpful. And if they're going to do an orgy scene by a pool. The women are not allowed to wear jewelry that will bang against the pool chairs and make annoying sounds. It kills the mood.

Se: Cultural Porn, just caught that. I like that. Porn that is sophisticated. LOL

Ce: Museum of Modern Art, here we come! Literally!

Se: Well aren' t you a bit voyeuristic! LOL

Ce: Um, if they let me watch it on a video, why can't I be there when they film it? It WAS my idea... I am the founder of the CP movement. I need to add that to my resume.

Se: Hon, I don' t think that would be good on your resume.

Ce: It would show my artistic side.

Se: Artistic side?

Ce: Yes, it shows that I have imagination. That's good, right? *nods head* I know it's good.

Se: Who would hire you?

Ce: The porn people. I'm golden baby.

Se: Okay, we're getting off topic again. Next Rule, make up. Come on guys a little less would be nice.

Ce: What? You don't like the "I'm wearing a mask as I get reamed" look? Nah, me neither. All things in moderation, ladies. Ok, maybe not all things, but makeup-definitely.

Se: Yes, definitely. Next up girl on girl. Guys can watch it, why can't we watch guy on guy?
I mean, women being in the room with the guys.

Ce: I know! Man on man. It's mm mm good!

Ce: If I've got to watch one more girl get a good eatin on without getting to watch a guy get the same, I'll scream

Se: They need cheerleaders too and I volunteer us and the rest of the HB who want to watch.

Ce: Oooh! I have an outfit for that

Se: Uh sweetie that's not your black leather mistress cheer leading outfit is it?

Ce: And why not? One of them will have their cute little tushies in the air just begging for a quick thwap!

Se: Sweetie they don't want us involved. How about we make them wear leather then let them take it off before the fun? Ce stop daydreaming! Focus!

Ce: Fine. I'm focused. I'm focused. Geez

Se: Okay, next rule: Thou shalt not give blow jobs while driving.

Ce: Um, no comment

Se: What do mean no comment? *Selena gasps* Celia Kyle!

Ce: Ce whistling... What?

Se: I'm not riding in a car with you when you're with Mr. Kyle okay? What's the next rule?


Ce: Don't bother with story lines. We ARE NOT watching the porn to be entertained by who's fucking who's husband. Just fuck already!

Se: Amen sister! If I wanted story lines I'd read a book or watch a movie. I'm tired of hearing so many cheesy lines it's insane. Also, I don't actually need to know the names of the stars do I?

Ce: Heck no. I just want to know if they have the necessary equipment. They do? Great, get it on.

Se: Next up sex toys. Yes or no to using them?

Ce: Um...yeah! Oh, wait, you meant in porn, didn't you?
Sorry.

Se: Yes I did, lol.

Ce: Hmmm... I'm gonna have to go with yes. Otherwise, the orgasms are definitely faked.
I mean seriously, do YOU ever come that many times without the aid of a toy? Didn't think so.

Se: Yeah, I would like to know how the 'cone' works. Have you ever seen that thing?

Ce: Oooh! yeah, but not thinking it's a great porno vid toy.

Se: Oh, oh, they could use the body bouncer during porn!

Ce: Oh! My favorite toy ever! I am dying for one. DYING!

Se: We'll ask Mr. Kyle to get you one for Christmas. Next up, men. Um, where did all the hotties go? Did they go to Gay Porn?

Ce: I know! I'm sorry, but to star in hetero porn, you need more than just stamina and a big dick. I'd like to enjoy looking at his face a bit too. They should pay the Gay porn stars a lot of money to do hetero porn so that we'd have some nice yummies to look at.

Se: Oh and the women. My boobs aren't that big, let's hear it for the small chested women! How about a little variety in the rack department?

Ce:Big or small, I'd like to see REAL ones. If you die and they are still are around fifty years later, laying in your coffin...that ain't right.

Se: Also, they don't all have to have small waists, come on be realistic. Women watch porn too! Let's hear it for all body types of women.

Ce: Exactly! Fat people porn! Give me some jiggle baby! I KNOW what I look like when grooving with Mr. Kyle and it ain't like that.


Se: Mind bleach! Where's the mind bleach?


End of Part 1