Q. Today we're going to be interviewing Lady Kett Almet, heroine of Mad, Bad & Dangerous. Hello, your ladyship.

A. Don't call me Ladyship, you fucking moron.

Q. Er, okay. What would you prefer?

A. Kett. My name is Kett. Kett Almet.

Q. But isn't your father Tyrnan of Emreland, the Earl of Nirya?

A. So they tell me. Look, he only got that title 'cos he married a princess, and that happened when I was a teenager. So I don't get a title.

Q. But your half-siblings do?

A. (Frosty look.)

Q. Okay then. Can you tell me a little about what you do for a living, your la...er, Kett?

A. I train dragons.

Q. To do what?

A. To not blow my head off, that's what. To not eat me. To fly where I want them to.

Q. So you ride dragons?

A. (Barely patient look.) No, no one rides dragons. They fly at several hundred miles an hour. You have to be protected in a carefully constructed toughened leather cabin. Piloting them is very dangerous, difficult, and not a job for the faint-hearted. Or the sane.

Q. Which I guess describes you. Where do you live?

A. In a stone cabin in the mountains of the Northern Province.

Q. Cosy. Do you live there alone?

A. No, I live with Jarven. Before you ask, no, he's not my boyfriend. He's more of a...mentor. Big brother. Something like that.

Q. Do you have a boyfriend?

A. (Sighs.) No. I have a Bael.

Q. Er, what's a Bael?

A. It's a highly immature, feckless playboy Nasc who follows me around trying to convince me I'm his mate. Which I so am not. If I was going to be mated to anyone, which I'm not, then he wouldn't be insane and sex-obsessed.

Q. Sex-obsessed?

A. (Pause) I guess that's not his worst quality.

Q. Okay. Let's stick to some standard questions.

Where were you 3 hours ago?

A. Hanging naked from the roof of a cave, my wrist bound to that of a totally naked man. Who's actually pretty hot. Even if he is a feckless playboy.

Q. Have you ever eaten a crayon?

A. Quite probably. When I was first human (LONG story), I didn't know what was food and what wasn't. I'm pretty sure I once ate a roll of bandages.

Q. Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?

A. Yes. The intimate organs of the man I've just woken up with.

Q. Are you wearing socks right now?

A. I'm not wearing anything right now.

Q. What's the strangest talent you have?

A. I can take on any shape. Beat that.

Q. Are you hot?

A. No, actually, I'm bloody freezing.

Q. What was the last thing you had to drink?

A. I remember drinking beer at the Maharaja's palace. Possibly, since then, I've drunk something with hallucinogens in it.

Q. When is the last time you ran?

A. About three hours ago, shortly after waking up in the cave.

Q. What's the last sporting event you watched?

A. Does watching trainee knights run away from dragons count?

Q. What is your favorite animal?

A. Well, my sisters have a series of housepets they seem to fiind it amusing to name after me, but really I prefer dragons. We get on fairly well, even if they do try to turn me into a bonfire fairly often.

Q. Last person's house you were in?

A. The Maharaja of Pradesh. He hired me to perform tricks for his daughter's wedding. I personally think watching someone change her shape for twenty minutes is boring, but hey, he was paying me.

Q. Worst injury you've ever had?

A. Probably when the saber-toothed tiger ripped out my hamstring. Or possibly when I was shot--it didn't hurt so much, but it did kill me. It's s toss-up.

Q. Have you been in love?

A. No. Married, yes; love, no.

Q. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?

A. I'm a shapeshifter. I can make any shape I want. Think about that.

Q. What are your plans for tonight?

A. I'm planning on finding some clothes, some food, the name of the guy next to me, and where the hell I am.

Q. Next trip you are going to take?

A. Home. I am damn well going home.

Q. Were you an honor roll student in school?

A. I was voted most likely to go to jail, go insane, or get killed. So far, I've fulfilled at least two of them, and I'm not at all sure about the third.

Q. What do you want to know about the future?

A. Whether it includes clothes. I'm bloody freezing.

Q. Are you wearing any perfume or cologne?

A. I'm wearing mud, sweat, and blood.

Q. Where is your best friend?

A. Jarven probably qualifies. I've known him since I was eight. I'd imagine he's at home, probably throwing charcoal to the dragons. Lucky bastard.

Q. What are you listening to right now?

A. The forest, and the footsteps of something I'm reasonably sure wants to kill me.

Q. Do you collect anything?

A. Scars. Enemies. Prison records.

Q. Who is the biggest gossiper you know?

A. My stepmother. She's sweet, but my gods she's nosy.

Q. Last time you got stopped by a cop or pulled over?

A. About a week ago. Apparently public nudity is a crime these days.

Q. Last time you took a shower?

A. Sometime before I was abducted and strung up by my wrist, etc etc.

Q. What is your heritage?

A. My father is the son of an Anglish earl. He owns the whole of Emreland. My mother was a circus shapeshifter who died when I was young. Nobody knows anything more about her. I was raised in an orphanage. My father's best friend turned out to be his sister; her lover Striker is a schoolmate who was isolated for a dozen years and went batshit crazy with power. The bastard is a great drinking partner, though.

Q. Are you rich?

A. There's a fair amount in the bank, but I've got little use for it.

Q. What were you doing at 12AM last night?

A. Getting my wrist cut open in a ritual. Apparently.

Q. Is there one thing all of your love interests have had in common?

A. They're all very bad for me.

Q. What was your childhood nickname?

A. I had about a hundred. 'Mad Kett' was about the nicest.

Q. How many drinks does it take before you get drunk?

A. Many. Many, many, many. Striker has this stuff that can make you comatose from one sip (he drinks it by the bottle; I've managed a whole shot before passing out). I suspect I may have drunk a bottle last night.


Mad, Bad and Dangerous by Cat Marsters OUT NOW at Ellora's Cave!

http://www.jasminejade.com/ps-8185-50-mad-bad-dangerous.aspx